How To Accept Who You Are: A Real-Life Tale of Self-Acceptance

It’s been a long-term conflict for me. On one hand, I have felt rather confident in my interests and personality. On the other, I’ve consistently underestimated my abilities and overestimated my defects.

I realize this is rooted deep in anxiety. Experiencing irrational thoughts of inadequacy is part of my anxiety story. Over my lifetime, it has created a barrier to being able to accept the best parts of myself.

Today, in therapy, I talked about it. It gave me a chance to start examining the path I walk towards self-acceptance. I hope you, the reader, find something in my anecdote that you can use to bring yourself closer to full self-acceptance.

I made my flaws and mistakes part of my self-concept

We’ve all said and done things we’re not proud of. We all have to find a way to deal with those things. Enveloping them in your whole being allows you to acknowledge and work on them to strive for your ideal self.

Some people have a tendency to consider flaws and mistakes part of their past, not to be brought up again. Others create a concept of a bad side that they aren’t responsible for. There are those who develop their self-concept around only what is “wrong” with them.

I propose that our shortcomings are to be learned from, can be as much a part of us as our best attributes, but don’t make up the whole of who we are as people.

My biggest flaw, which has led to regrettable decisions at times, is my temper. For a long time, this was a huge aspect of my self-concept. I was angry. That was me as a person.

There was a time a friend would say I had the most anger per square inch of anyone they’d ever met. I’d use my anger to set up boundaries, express my disinterest, right wrongdoing, manage discomfort, get my point across, handle crowded shopping trips…the list goes on. There would come a time when this wasn’t sustainable.

The impact my anger had on those I love prompted a rearrangement of my self-concept. I had to acknowledge this flaw and rework the image of myself so that it was no longer encompassing my personality. How’d I do that?

Acknowledge: I saw that this was a problem and worked to solve it. I took in feedback and became aware of when and how anger was toxic. Removing it from situations I’ve seen it harm my relationships and changing how I expressed it helped me feel positively about myself.

Accept: Although I am removing my toxic expression of anger going forward, that doesn’t erase the past. Acceptance of what was is how I moved forward. I don’t think back on “what if,” because it serves no purpose. I look forward to continuing to do it differently the next time, and the next, and the next.

Assimilate: Anger was a huge part of me, after all, and it wasn’t always negative. Sometimes it drove me to confront issues that needed attention or react more effectively in the moment. The difference now is that I channel it in a more adaptive way. It’s a part of me in a way that I can feel good about.

 

I’m learning to let it be

The way it is sometimes is the only way it’s going to be. Sometimes changes can be made only at the right time and that time isn’t here yet. Letting it be, whatever it is, reduces the aspects of ourselves we can find disapproval in.

No one can be good at everything. We can’t have everything we want. Now is not necessarily the right time. And that’s okay.

This isn’t to say give up on what is healthy or important to you. But also accept find acceptance in where you are and what you’re working with. It’s not fair to chide yourself over something that may be out of your control or not yet part of your story.

Body: Early on in life I stopped dreaming of becoming a professional wrestler because I was never athletic. I know now that this was based on my physical health condition which makes it difficult for me to build muscle and lose fat. I learned this recently and I’m working on accepting how that impacts my fitness goals, which had long been based around building muscle and flattening my core.

I can either look at my illness as a problem with me and continually be disappointed in myself as my stomach never flattens and my muscles stay minuscule—or I can accept my body as it is and shift the fitness goals to feeling healthy, increasing stamina, improving sleep, and aiding my mental health. I’m reaching these goals by making regular workouts a habit and I can love and accept my body this way.

Brain: My mind is great at understanding other minds, reading behavior, sucking in written knowledge like a vacuum, and memorizing lines and verses. What it’s not great at is strategy and quick reaction. As a gamer, that kinda blows.

The good news is; I’m not trying to be a professional gamer. The bad news is; no matter how poorly I fair at board games or how long it takes me to make it through video games, I still enjoy these activities.  Since this is important to me, I stick at it to have fun and have gotten way better, but I actively accept that I’m not going to be great at it. And that’s okay. I can’t be what I’m not.

I recognized my abilities

Too often, people who have trouble accepting themselves tend to focus on what’s “bad” rather than what’s “good.” Shifting focus to the good and putting efforts into those aspects of the self is the simplified answer to this dilemma. But what if you minimize or don’t acknowledge your “good” abilities?

That was me for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, there was plenty I liked about myself. The anger was one of those things but also my fashion sense and creativity. Yet, there were a lot of aspects of me I downplayed that I’m now working to incorporate in my self-concept. I have to accept these too if I want to fully experience self-acceptance.

When living with anxiety, second-guessing is like breathing. If I thought I was smart, I reasoned that the content was easy or that what I had to share was obvious. When cast in a musical, I reasoned I was a convenient choice rather than a good singer. Impostor syndrome has plagued me a long time and it took more than just me alone to get over this hurdle.

Listen: I’ve received a lot of positive feedback from others but didn’t hear it for a long time. When I chose to listen I found out that others thought my ideas were valuable, particularly in the workplace and at school. The praises of my vocal talent were not out of politeness—I never fished for compliments—these people shared with me their feedback without motive, so I had no reason not to take it in. I started looking at healthy feedback as something I could collect as evidence and use against the doubting voice that would downplay my strengths.

Look: There are tangible, physical reminders of what I do well. Awards from my grad program, published work, letters of thanks, pictures with friends, and happy pets. I consider each of these when I feel like I’m faking or start doubting what I know is true.

Learn: Actually taking in what was seen and heard was a challenge if I was already questioning it before it entered my consciousness. I have had to make a concerted effort to learn about myself from feedback. I had to train my system to accept genuine praise.

This isn't the end of my self-acceptance journey. Life is always moving and changing. This, too, is an ongoing and forward moving process.

Have you given yourself enough credit for your strengths? Have you turned your shortcomings into growing edges you can find success in filling out? Have you set goals that are suited to you?

However you decide to work towards accepting yourself, do it with kindness. You deserve to praise yourself. You deserve to have the chance to grow into the best version of you. You deserve to be in the environment and in situations that play to your strengths. You deserve acceptance.

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