What's Going On When Nothing's Going Up

I briefly update followers on Twitter that I had some truly abnormal experiences in my day job that has been consuming my mind and time. Then last Friday I missed posting. I wanted to take time to acknowledge what’s going on, work it out in a post, and maybe get the chance to help my readers out through my experience.

I won’t go into the gritty details and I’m certainly not planning on calling anyone out on this, but there’s been some shifty, less-than-transparent actions come to light at my primary job. This was not necessarily blind-siding but it wasn’t expected either.

It came at a time I was under the pressure of completing an application for the final level of licensure—basically, I’m almost through the starting license requirements and am moving forward to the last one I’ll get—which should have been an exciting time, but was marred by worry about my professional and financial futures. In the midst of gathering materials for that and getting it ready to send off, I was also starting a job search. Job searches are never fun or easy, and I feel like, with the advent of internet-based applications, it’s so much more time-consuming and demanding.

As you know, I’m also on my writing journey and have made a good connection with a local paper. Early this month, I signed on to write a few stories which required interviews. I’m so grateful and excited to have made this connection and have these stories to write consistently, so I’m especially disappointed in myself that I was behind my usual pace this month—although I did complete my work.

What am I leading up to? Well, I don’t say this to complain, make excuses, or manipulate. I want you to have the context for the point I’d like to focus on: I’m not doing great. I almost made myself re-write that; “I’m not doing great.” I suppose I wanted to make it sound better than it is or, maybe, I wanted to deny to myself that this is the case.

While I have a history of depression, I don’t think I’m at that point yet. This is very much a situational not-doing-great. It’s that this fiasco has created an upheaval of my expectations for going the future. There are little things like wanting to take a big vacation but knowing I won’t have time for that if I start at a new job. And bigger things like having to adjust, once again, to a new workplace and all that comes with it—coworkers, electronic health record, dress code, schedule, drive to work…the list goes one. There are still yet the biggest things like potentially not being able to have an extra day (or more, as I’ve been trying to make happen) totally devoted to writing—this blog, social media, books, short stories, articles...

Those are the worries if I get a new position elsewhere. There’s still the looming fear of what if I don’t? I’m not sure what road this goes down because it’s all been a rather unpredictable two weeks.

The long and short of it; even though I’m a therapist and I have all the tools, I’m not doing great, and that’s okay. Yes, it’s okay.

Life gets tough sometimes. Life is tough for me right now. It doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful for what I have, which is a lot, it doesn’t mean I’m not doing all the self-care activities that are good for me, and it doesn’t mean I can’t laugh and smile even when I’m feeling bad. It’s just tough and I’m allowed to feel not great.

While not feeling great, I haven’t lost sight of the positives and I won’t begrudge others for trying to point them out. I’ll get through this like I’ve gotten through many other tough times. It won’t last forever. It could actually be a new, wonderful opportunity—the old, one door closes, another door opens. I recognize these, I believe them, I also feel sad and my motivation is low, my sleep is off, and I’m more focused on what’s right in front of me than trying to move myself forward. And that’s okay.

It’s complicated, few things in life are. I think it’s important to share that we can be both in a not-so-great place mentally and still love our lives, feel positive, and take care of ourselves. Sometimes, we just have to keep up doing the best we can to keep it rolling until we pass through the not-so-great space. Even when we’re in these times, life is still going on.

Even in these times, I want to keep experiencing life so I refuse to stop being in it. I’m not wishing this was over, although I want so much to be back to baseline. This is where I am now, though, and it won’t be my forever.

Body Positivity and the New Year’s Resolution

You’ve seen it, I’ve seen it, and we all knew it was coming. The crowded parking lot at the gym, pictures of healthy meals across social media platforms, co-workers and friends sharing diet tips, exercise gear and equipment front and center of big-box store, and the overall rush to get in shape before warm weather hits. I know that many people will be pursuing a healthier, leaner, fitter, and/or lighter versions of themselves and I can’t stress enough how much I support that.

I also can’t stress enough how damaging this yearly trend can be for those struggling to feel comfortable in their own skin. Raising my hand, I’ll admit that this time of year can be a challenge for me. Not because I don’t want other people to be fit and healthy—there’s nothing I support more than healthy diet and physical activity to make a positive impact on mental health—but because I keep being reminded that my body doesn’t work the way it “should.”

As a therapist and a person who doesn’t feel that the world revolves around me, I know the answer to my problem doesn’t lie with others to refrain from posting about their weight loss or celebrating the success of their new eating habits. The work will be my own to maintain my own body positivity. Whether you’re one of the resolutioners focused on changing your body or like me and feeling stuck, you can take care of your own body image, too.

Send yourself body-positive messages

I’m going to be real; I don’t do this much. When I have on a particularly flattering outfit, I’ll recognize that I look good in the mirror, and here and there I feel proud of the hips I’ve put on. If I were really doing what I should be doing, and what I tout in my therapy work, it could look something like:

Leaving body positive statements on the mirror at night to read in the morning. Use a sticky notepad, glass markers, the standard paper and tape, or lipstick. Write it at night and begin your day with it in the morning. Just having that message to start the day off gets your mind thinking toward the positives of your body.

Saying something positive to the body in the mirror. I do this sometimes but what if I—and you—did it nightly? In PJs, when makeup is off, contraptions to suck in and firm up aren’t on, and the body is allowed to be at rest—just making positive observations? I don’t know, maybe we should try it.

Not seeing a reflection and being confident anyway. We could use some internal self-talk and boost our confidence any time of the day. Remind yourself how capable and amazing your body is every time you walk to the copy machine and see if you end up walking taller. I’ll certainly try it.

Follow body-positive influencers. Social media is full of people ready to tear others down but I like to think it’s filled more with people ready to lift others up. We’re in an age where body-positivity is growing to new levels and there are leaders out there sending their supportive message through writing and photographing beliefs and lifestyles that embody embracing the body you have, regardless. I’m going to name Lizzo as a major inspiration for me. Even in the face of reoccurring shaming and negativity, she outshines it all to keep spreading hope and supporting her own self-love.

Put the focus on what your body can do.

I don’t talk about it much here, but I have polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS. From my experience, it causes problems with proper insulin function leading to holding onto fat, particularly in the middle, and seems to be interfering with muscle growth. This sucks. The most frustrating part is reading articles about weight loss success and knowing you’re doing ALL OF THE THINGS RIGHT and seeing no changes.

It all ends up getting me down on my body and thinking about how poorly it can function sometimes. My solution? Making a daily, concerted, mindful effort to focus on what my body CAN do.

My body can get stronger. Even if it doesn’t necessarily look like it on the outside, the changes I’ve made to my workout routine since March 2019 have paid off. I lift heavier weights, I tolerate strength training better, I’m no longer worn out after aerobic exercise, and I, overall, have more tolerance for multiple types of exercise.

My body can push limits. Last night somehow there were only three of us in a strength training class despite the surge of new people attending my gym. That meant I felt more pressure than usual to push through the whole workout without stopping. While I thought my thighs would explode at one point, I was able to make it through every variation of squats the instructor threw at me. And today? My thighs are barely sore.

My body can persevere. I work a full time, four-day work week as a therapist and tack on an extra eight or more hours one to two days a week for writing/blogging/content creation…etc. I know a lot of people have trouble working more than full time and having the energy for regular physical activity. My body allows me to work all day and get to the gym four days a week with a frequent weekend walk in the local park.

 

Other ways to focus on what your body can do:

Consider your mobility and flexibility
Celebrate good digestion
Revel in your senses
Enjoy having balance and core strength


 

Cut out the comparisons

I started this article on how this time of diets and before and after shots make it harder to stay body-positive. That’s because I’m spending too much time comparing. Sound familiar to you?

Your body and my body are uniquely ours and we can’t compare them. What works for you may never work for me. More importantly, what is the right weight, the right shape, the right muscle tone, or the right amount of fat? With such different shapes, lifestyles, hormone levels, and genetic variations, I simply don’t see how there can be a short list of ideals.

We’re each ideal the way we are and we stay that way whatever changes we do or don’t make to our bodies.

How do you stay body positive? Share in the comments below, or on Twitter or Instagram.

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