Content/Trigger Warning: suicide
Sadness is what many people equate with depression, but
sadness is an emotion everyone experiences whereas depression is a group of
symptoms that can include sadness—not
all people experience depression. Many well-meaning friends, family and
co-workers recount the tales of their sad times and how they managed the
sadness in hopes of supporting a person managing depression. This effort often
falls short and can even feel demeaning because it isn’t genuine to the
person’s experience.
So what is the experience of depression?
Disclaimer: This post—like all my content—is NOT intended
for the purpose of diagnosis or treatment. It is for informational purposes
only. The only place you can truly receive diagnosis and treatment is with a
YOUR professional, qualified treatment provider following the proper
assessment(s). Proceed with caution and use this post and all posts for
information purposes ONLY.
Sadness, Hopelessness, Helplessness
One of the two main criteria to indicate depression is
regular sadness, helplessness, and/or hopelessness more time than not. For
example, you may have two really good days out of the week and the other five
days feel sad, think hopeless thoughts, and have a sense of helplessness most
of that time. There may be unexplained crying because the sadness doesn’t always
present itself clearly, particularly when life is going well and there isn’t a
perceived “reason” to be sad.
Of course, depression doesn’t need a reason to be there.
Life can be great and the sadness still present. Additionally, depression can
be present without sadness.
Lack of enjoyment
The other main criteria to indicate depression is not
getting enjoyment or pleasure out of what you normally would. You may love to
dance—it lifts your mood—but when you go out, you find you’ve been dancing for
30 minutes and just feel neutral, blah,
bored. You notice time with friends
consists of less and less real laughs and smiles. Laughs and smiles require
effort as you try to play along to mimic your former reactions which you can no
longer feel.
I think of this experience similar to when your taste buds
are damaged (having had my tonsils out at 22, it’s something I can say was
miserable) and you go to eat your favorite food which you know is delicious,
but when you take a bite the damaged buds can’t form the taste. After a while,
you don’t have much of an appetite because food all tastes the same and none of
it is enjoyable. That’s what happens to fun events, hobbies, and interactions
with depression. Because depression feeds into itself, if sadness and
hopelessness wasn’t present before, it may start to form in reaction to not
finding pleasure in anything.
Lower motivation, energy, and productivity
Perhaps related to the lack of pleasure resulting in a no
internal reward, there may be a reduction in motivation to do…well, anything.
For some this can be something hard fought against to continue life as
“normal,” but it’s a grueling grind. For others this may be so severe that even
motivation to go to work, school, get a shower, or eat something is impossible
to achieve.
Energy levels may feel depleted which could be due to the
reduction in energy-producing functions dropping off such as exercise, eating
(discussed below), and planning, in addition to the chemical imbalance in the
brain. What a person does throughout the day—work, grocery shopping, cooking,
etc.—may slow down. Others notice that you’re moving or completing tasks at a
slower pace and you may feel your thinking slow down as well.
Appetite Change
As mentioned above, when a person is depressed they may
start eating less. They may also start eating more. Appetite and, consequently,
weight gain are sometimes part of what depression looks like. It may look like
skipping multiple meals due to lacking energy and motivation to cook. Just as
possible, eating to manage feelings of sadness or boredom is also possible.
Sleep disturbance
Much of what is described above I might suggest is
compounded by, or even developed as a result of, sleep disturbance. Similar to
the appetite change, problems with sleep can go either way—too much or too
little. A person may struggle to sleep due to the negative thoughts and sadness
weighing on their mind each night after another day of feeling slowed down,
guilty, and hopeless. For another person, sleep may be all that seems possible
in between work and the bare minimum of daily tasks leading to three hour naps
between 12 hour sleep cycles.
It isn’t hard to see how all of these can work together and
cycle depression into a difficult to break pattern of chemical imbalance and
sustaining behaviors.
Thoughts of death and suicide
This is the part where I remind you again that this blog and
all of my affiliated social media accounts are not monitored 24/7 and I cannot
provide support to those who are experiencing suicidal thoughts. Here, where I
am in the USA the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is: 1-800-273-8255. For
those not in the USA who need resources to reach out to, I’ve linked suicide.org, International Association For Suicide Prevention, and internationalbipolarfoundation for your reference. Local emergency rooms/hospitals can also be safety
resources. If you’re having suicidal thoughts, seek help.
With that said, frequent thoughts of death or suicide can be
part of the presentation of depression. Of course, this is serious and help is
out there to maintain safety as you can see from the above resources. One
person could have unwanted images cross their mind of a suicidal act whereas
another may think of the idea of death often but not consider suicide. Further
still, a person may actively develop a plan for suicide and think of it
occasionally, but another person could think about suicide multiple times a day
without ever making a plan or attempt.
There are so many ways this can make an impact on the mind
and each person experiences it unique to them. Of course, not everyone who is
dealing with depression is suicidal or focuses on death. Further, not everyone
who considers suicide is depressed.
My Depression Tale
Because depression, like many mental illnesses, is so
variable in its presentation, I’d like to end with my story of depression.
Looking back, I’ve had recurrent episodes of it. For me, depression tends to
come along when the anxiety is worse.
The anxiety will create discomfort that runs me down and
makes me tired. The fears I have for the future start to mix with regrets from
the past. Regrets I don’t have until depression rears its ugly head. I do sleep
more and eat less—that may be the anxiety causing stomach troubles, too. If I
enjoy things, it’s for short periods of time.
I notice time spent with others is more taxing because I
work harder to present the way I “should.” Of course, that only makes me more exhausted
and leads to regular crying episodes—mostly when alone. No one says I’ve slowed
down but my thoughts feel like they are. Decision and concentration get harder.
There’s a lot of anger—at myself, my thoughts, the anxiety—that
fires off at random. After so long, I start wishing it would stop being so
painful all the time as my gut twists, the fibromyalgia and PCOS flair up, and
I just keep crying. Images, unwanted and alarming, may pop into my head of
self-harm and I say things like, “I wish I would just die.”
Once the thoughts of self-harm and death enter in, I know it’s
at its peak. Somehow, usually self-care against all odds and doing the opposite
of what depression wants me to do, it starts to ease up again. After coming to
the conclusion that’s what I was dealing with, the episodes have been shorter
and less jarring. I do a lot of work to quickly address the episode before it
gets out of hand.
I keep a vigilant mindset so that I can recognize it before
it takes a toll.
I haven’t had a depressive episode in a while now but know
it could come back. If it does, I’ll keep trying to move forward, knowing it
will get better. In the meantime, I will keep up my self-care, as I’m sure you already
know is so important.
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