Anxiety Locked Me Into Battle

I’m Winning the War

I was in tears again, my breathing quick and my face contorted, ruminating on the wasted time and money put out for a career I couldn’t handle. The focus remained on all I’d given up just to be a frantic mess every Sunday, like clockwork. There was no breaking out of it once I got there. The physical sensation along with the damning thoughts closed in on me, locking me in tight.

I would fall asleep that night quickly, exhausted from my evening meltdown—it felt like I could have well melted from the fire that burned inside, threatening to consume me. Sleep would be short-lived because this night, like every night before the work week began, I would wake in a panic to irrational thoughts. My tired mind had no chance of fighting. Once fully awake, I wrestled the thoughts and put them to rest, but by then I knew it would be up and down for the remainder of my five resting hours.

Another week for me to start off groggy and in pain from apparent TMJ. I wouldn’t get a full night’s rest until Thursday and the cycle would repeat. That was my story from fall of last year to spring of this one.

A Lifetime of Fighting Anxiety Monsters

Before that tale was a similar one in which I’d have nightmares about not finishing all that was needed for the wedding. In the evenings I’d be angry with my significant other that we were planning a wedding at all because it was too much pressure. All the while, I refused to share the burden (needing control) with anyone until the very end. Once I did, my bridesmaids, husband and mom were happy to help.

I can lump every period of my life into a saga based around the biggest contributor to anxiety: the wrath of God; fear of losing my loved ones; being alone forever; school; job; school; health; grad school; licensing; getting a job…all the way up to the wedding and back to the job. During each one I’d think, “once I get past this one thing, I’ll feel better. Things will be better.”

It never got better. There was always something, even when there shouldn’t have been. The next big bad I’d quest to slay.

How Would Life Be Different Without Anxiety Battles?

Hindsight is 20/20, and I know now that I’ve got a master’s degree in counseling that I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life. In grade school, my mom would complain at every doctor visit that I had terrible stomach pains multiple times a week. It’s hard not to feel bitter that they lazily recommended me eating more fruits and vegetables (which I already at enough of). Though I shouldn’t look back, I do and wonder how different my life would have been if they’d seen my anxiety for what it was and I was treated early.

I spent so many years of my life trapped in battle with anxiety I had no clue existed but what if I didn’t? Would I have made friends easier if I wasn’t so busy second-guessing myself? What would I have done with all the energy from nights not spent waking to panic attacks, sitting up to catch my breath and calm my heart multiple times a night? Would I have gotten past impostor syndrome in time to decide I could succeed in a “hard” graduate program, rather than talking myself away from it? (Side note: my program was just as hard as any doctoral program).

 The Final Battle with Anxiety

Those answers are lost to fate and there’s no changing it. My only power is in shaping the here and now so that I never let anxiety trap me again. I can proudly say now, after a fierce battle, that I am not staring down a big bad anymore.

That’s not to say the difficulties of life haven’t been threatening my newfound freedom. Quite the opposite. My work is stressful—but only because it’s important—my mom just had surgery—and it was successful—and my best friend got married and I was the matron of honor—it was beautiful. So, yes, I still have reasons to be anxious and could have turned any of these into my current catastrophe, but that didn’t happen.

How did I go from a lifetime of fighting unending battles to declaring peace inside myself? I started by recognizing the mental illness for what it was. It came shortly before I graduated. Prior to that, I didn’t see a pattern, I didn’t want to see the signs and symptoms, and I just assumed I was an irritable and reactive person. Once I did come to understand what I was dealing with, it would still be a lengthy road to wellness.

I knew what I needed to do; go see a counselor. That’s hard when you plan to get a job as a counselor in a small, rural area with limited job options. A conflict of interest develops if you want to work the same place your counselor is. I ended up putting this off in the interest of employment.

Trying to work on myself on my own, I turned to the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques I’d learned in school. It helped responding to my negative and irrational thoughts. The physical experience of anxiety was still there so I returned to my exercise routine which helped some. I still struggled.

They say the third time’s a charm and that was true when I saw my third endocrinologist who finally diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), a hormonal disorder that can impact mood and overall function. I advocated for my health during this time and took a chance on treatment which did help. I wasn’t over yet; I still had work to do.

Already taking a couple of new medications for PCOS, I was hesitant to go to a psychiatrist and add another. It was tough to consider, but I couldn’t manage the physical symptoms of anxiety anymore—the chest pain, the headaches, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, the distractedness, and the emotional reactivity. It didn’t take a high dose to treat my symptoms and in just over a year I’m reducing the dose successfully.

There was one more action left to take. It was the weekly tears and aching regret regarding my work, something I was passionate about and worked so hard for, that woke me up to what I finally needed to do. It was time to seek my own therapy. I’ve had relatively few sessions and am about to complete treatment. This step took me full circle and now I feel confident in my work and get to actually enjoy what I do. Along with that, I have full management of my symptoms.

During the therapeutic process, I also had to make behavioral changes to impact my mood. I joined a gym with my husband and our friends. I believe this has been a major part of my improvement due to the increased social interaction and physical activity. I also broke down the barrier that was keeping me from doing what I’ve wanted to for so long; writing. I’ve slowly moved into the world of writing that I’d been putting off for 10 years. It was a relief to know I could be a counselor and a writer and not have to choose.

Freedom from Anxiety

Finally, I was able to bring together all that I needed to win the final battle against lifelong anxiety. I had to be aware of what was going on, manage my physical health, manage the physical symptoms of anxiety, and introduce positive mental strategies to make these steps successful. Now that I’ve made it, I refuse to go back. There will never be another big bad. I’ve won this war.

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