Yes, You’re Allowed To Be Upset About COVID-19

Graphic Made With Canva

I’ve questioned whether or not to continue to write on the subject of COVID-19 knowing that it can be anxiety-provoking for some and overall exhausting for most. I felt it was important to address the feelings we’re all experiencing on some degree. Your feelings are valid and you need to allow them to be.

 
You’re Allowed to Be Nervous

First of all, everyone around the globe is facing this threat. When you face a threat your body goes into the “fight or flight” response. True, it may not be on your doorstep, it may not be your family member, it may not be in your town, even, but it is a threat nonetheless. It’s one you can see plastered across social media, emails, government websites, business doors, and the list goes on. A reminder of the threat is near-constant at this point.

You’re allowed to feel unbalanced no matter if you’re staying safely at home or fighting the illness on the front lines of the emergency room. You are allowed to feel nervous or anxious. You are allowed to sense danger even though it isn’t immediately targeting you. Your brain is on high alert each time to read about, got shopping, disinfect a newly delivered box and follow a new ordinance. Even if you’re relatively safe, that doesn’t mean you feel like it.

What to Do About Nervousness

Once you’ve acknowledged and validated how you’re feeling, I’m sure you don’t want to stay a ball of anxiety consistently until this is over. I probably sound like a broken record, but this is where I bring mindfulness in. You can read more in depth on it in my previous article on it but for this topic I want to focus on the basic principal of mindfulness; being present in the moment while suspending judgment.

Don’t judge yourself for being nervous and don’t judge it as something that shouldn’t be happening because it’s totally normal given the circumstances. It can just be what it is and then you redirect yourself. Clean the house, play a video game, go for a walk (where permitted), read a book, teach yourself a new skill, sing, dress up, play with a pet…basically all of those self-care things I prattle on about.

You’re Allowed to Be Disappointed

Even though you haven’t contracted the virus and the people you care about are well, that doesn’t mean you should just sit and count your blessings quietly. Yes, it is wonderful if you and your loved ones are healthy and financially stable. Yes, it is something to be thankful for. No, it does not mean that you aren’t allowed to be disappointed or mourn your losses.

I’ve had two concerts indefinitely postponed, interviews put on hold, the annual adult Easter Egg Hunt postponed or cancelled (not sure yet), and I can’t even go yard sale hunting like I LOVE to do this time of year. I’m disappointed and I was genuinely mourning these losses, still am to some degree. If you had events cancelled, aren’t allowed to do the things you typically enjoy doing, or were looking forward to something that is no longer permitted due to a government order, you’re entitled to feelings about it.

What to Do About Disappointment

Just like with nervousness, acknowledge you feelings. Acknowledge that you feel that loss and you are disappointed. If changing focus to what you do have and can look forward to will help you, go for it. But if that is going to make you feel guilty for being disappointed, don’t. You may have much to be grateful for but you can be grateful and still be disappointed. Those feelings can exist together.

You’re Allowed to Miss People

Yes, you’re keeping them and yourself safe by staying away and that’s awesome. If you’re like me, though, you still miss your people terribly. You can do all the telephone calls, video chats, and multiplayer online games for every moment of the day, but there’s ultimately nothing like being with those people in person. Feeling their presence, taking in their scent, and basking in their aura.

Even if you’ve stayed in touch and gotten creative with staying connected, you’re still allowed to miss your people. I miss seeing my best friend almost every day at the gym. I miss my whole group of friends who come together weekly for board games. I miss my aunt who works in a hospital and for obvious reasons isn’t visiting friends and family.

Of course I keep up with all of my people as I’m sure you do with yours. But we miss them. We are allowed to miss them.

We’re also allowed to miss people who aren’t our friends and family. You can miss the people you see at the gym daily and weekly, your co-workers, the check-out lady at your favorite non-essential store, the owners of your go-to local restaurant who are social distancing to keep you and your food orders safe…the list goes on. You’re allowed to miss them, too.

 What to Do About Missing Your People

Missing people is tough. You may not just be missing them, alone, but also missing what they represent like structure and normalcy. Again, I can’t stress enough to validate these feelings to yourself as normal and human. Don’t present judgments on yourself or the feelings. Keep up staying in touch as best you can but also find other ways to develop your normal such as keeping a routine.

For all of these feelings, know that acknowledgement and validation are not the same as dwelling and letting feelings fester. I’m not saying you have to snap out of it or move on, but you also don’t have to consciously feed the feelings with judgments and additional unpleasant emotions. Some good responses overall: self-care, talking with others about it, taking a relaxed approach to your day,and not pushing yourself to be “normal.”

Check out my earlier article for more tips on managing your mental health during this trying time.

Share this article to Facebook and Twitter

Be sure to follow me on Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram

Anxiety and Sleep Disturbance

By now it’s no secret that I’ve been dealing with a plethora of issues increasing my anxiety. I tend to first realize I’m dealing with high anxiety when my sleep starts to suffer. That’s one of the primary complaints I hear when people come to counseling services for anxiety, as well. Let’s take a look at the dos and don’ts of sleep hygiene to try touch on what might be helpful in treating anxiety-related sleep disturbance.

The Anxious Sleeper Do’s

DO:

Write a List

My number one go-to for anyone suffering from disturbed sleep due to anxiety is creating a list. The list will have everything that could possibly be on your mind either right at that moment, later in the evening as you lay awake trying to fall asleep, or when you wake up in a panic from sleep. This could include the tasks you have to get done at work the next day, the errands you have to run on your lunch break, the housework you plan on completing, the people you have to reach out to in the morning, the interview you’re going on next week, your family member’s health, your future goals…the list goes on and on.

Write your list while you sit on your bed, preparing to lie down. Once you have your list written out, ask yourself what you can do about each item. Some you may be able to do something for, others you may not. For those you cannot take an action to resolve, write yourself a note to let them go for the night. For those you can do something for, write down what you’ll do and when you’ll do it. The when is important because you’re reminding yourself you’re not doing that action while you’re trying to sleep.

I’m usually awoken from sleep with tasks for the next day or week swirling in my mind. When I use this method of writing down my potential worries before bed, I have better sleep. It really helps me let go.

Care for Your Sleeping Space

This one may be tough if you’re living in a dorm, crashing on a couch, staying in a shelter, etc. I think it’s still worth mentioning that if you can, give your sleeping space some care by de-cluttering, putting away clean clothes, regularly cleaning sheets and blankets, habitually dusting and vacuuming, minimizing electronics and lights that could disrupt sleep, and, if needed, turning on white noise to cut your sleep space off from the rest of the world. More about the sleeping space later, when we get to the “don’ts.”

I know I’m bad at caring for my sleeping space. I don’t put my clothes away regularly and it’s usually one of the last spaces to be cleaned because I’m more worried about the shared spaces others tend to see. However, that’s not making my needs a priority, so it’s definitely a growing edge.

Have a Wind-Down Routine

Most of us lead busy lives which means going, going, going, morning to night. The problem with doing your schoolwork five minutes to bedtime or cleaning the day’s mess just before hitting the sheets is that you’re keeping your mind in work mode.

Your mind is alert and task-oriented. You’ve had no time to process the day and wind-down from it. You may not even know what’s bothering you until you lay your head down and have the stillness to project into. By then you’re tired and more vulnerable to anxiety because a tired mind can’t rationalize as well as a wake mind.

I’m usually good about this. I shower and take at least a half hour to play a game, read, or watch TV to clear my mind at night. It should be noted, listening to music I haven’t heard in a long time apparently amps me up too much to go to sleep because I’m just that weird. So watch out for that if you’re also extra for no reason.

The Anxious Sleeper’s Don’ts

DON’T:

Do Everything in Your Sleeping Space

Tying into caring for your sleeping space, be mindful of removing you’re regular daily activities from your sleeping space. Again, this may not possible for everyone due to living situation. If you have the ability, don’t spend hours watching TV, completing homework, practicing hobbies, exercising, and so on, in your bedroom. When you bring regular daytime activity into your sleeping space, you will begin to associate it with activity rather than rest, leading to difficulty sleeping and more room for anxious thoughts to fester while lying awake.

Do What Brings You Anxiety

If you’re worried about the state of the world, don’t read or watch the world news right before bed. If a certain person brings you panic, don’t talk or text with them in the evenings. If horror movies leave you thinking of all the ways a bad guy can attack you in the night, save those for the morning of your day off to give you plenty of time to recover from the effects.

Bottom line—don’t do what you know will increase your anxiety anywhere near bedtime. Take a look at your evening habits and ask yourself if any of those could trigger anxious thoughts, nightmares, or mid-sleep panic attacks. Remove what you identify and replace it with something soothing.

 Use Caffeine Before Bed

Caffeine is known to bad for anxiety because it’s an “upper.” If you’re like me, you may not feel like you gain energy from caffeine, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still putting your brain and body in alert mode. Caffeine is found in coffee, many teas (including green tea!), chocolate, most sodas, energy drinks, and some medications such as those for headaches.

Try to cut out anything with caffeine for the evening time so that your body and mind aren’t more restless and jittery than they necessary. I’ll admit I’m not good at this one, either. I love chocolate and sometimes I just need an evening cup of coffee. Growing edges!

The Anxious Sleeper’s Maybes

MAYBE:

Try a Relaxing Tea

There are plenty of teas marketed for sleep from the basic chamomile to teas made with roots and herbs believed to help sleep. I consider this a “maybe” because using these depends on the person and their unique sensitivities, medications, preferences, and overall genetic make-up. If you do decide to try a tea to help with sleep, it may give you an opportunity to put in place a wind-down routine because you’ll have to set aside time to make and drink it.

Personally, I tried two different types of these teas and found myself having worse sleep with the tea than without. However, I’m one person with exceptionally odd reactions to many foods and medications, so why not tea, too? I’ll leave this at a “maybe” because it may or may not work.

Talk To Your Doctor

Sleep is vital to functioning and going without it for long periods of time can be dangerous. Listen to your body and seek a medical opinion if it seems like the right choice for you. Your doctor may recommend seeing a therapist or psychiatrist, taking medications, running tests, changing your lifestyle, or other possible interventions.

As always, I’m not providing medical or clinical advice but think it’s worth noting how vitally important sleep is. Sometimes, we need some extra support to get sleep back on track. Maybe that means talking to a doctor and maybe it doesn’t. You know you best. I know I haven’t breached this with a doctor yet, because I still feel my sleep issues are temporary and situational.

I still have some work to do and some options to manage my anxiety-interrupted sleep. How about you? What do you do to make sleep possible when you’re anxious? What do you want to work on that you haven’t yet? Let me know in the comments below!

Share this article to Facebook and Twitter

Be sure to follow me on Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram

What It Looks Like: Anxiety

Look up any mental health disorder online and you’ll find a laundry list of symptoms that could vaguely be any mental or physical health disorder. Don’t get me wrong, these quick symptoms lists can be helpful in pointing people in the direction of help—what a wonderful outcome! However, it seemed to me like there’s room to expand beyond the symptoms to understand what the disorder really looks like.

Thus begins my new series on what “it” looks like.

Disclaimer: This post—like all my content—is NOT intended for the purpose of diagnosis or treatment. It is for informational purposes only. The only place you can truly receive diagnosis and treatment is with a YOUR professional, qualified treatment provider following the proper assessment(s). Proceed with caution and use this post and all posts for information purposes ONLY.

You’ve seen the memes, digital comics, and graphics depicting different aspects of an individual’s anxiety. Everything from looking calm on the outside and drowning on the inside to seeing the world in demands and put-downs. They all say, “this is what anxiety looks like,” so it can be quite confusing to get a picture of what anxiety really is.

Anxiety is…normal. Yes, normal. Anxiety is the anticipation of danger and helps prepare us for the fight or flight response when we perceive something is wrong.

For example, you might notice warning signs at your job that the company is closing and that could produce anxiety related to being laid off. Being without a job would be perceived as dangerous because it’s how you provide for yourself and your family (aka, survive). This anxiety can be adaptive because it can lead you to do something about the situation such as search for another job, focus on saving funds, and gain more information about the company’s status.

Anxiety becomes maladaptive when it is; A) uncontrollable or difficult to control; B) not related to any perceivable threat; and C) gets in the way of your functioning somehow. Using the example above, imagine if you believed your workplace was closing but no one else there thought there was anything to be worried about, you talked to management and they assured you all was well, and you’ve been saving funds just in case.

Even after all of those efforts that should ease your anxiety, it continues to be there disrupting your time off making you feel uncontrollable urgency to do SOMETHING and it keeps you up at night with worry.  You leave for a different job and later regret leaving as the company continues to flourish. Now the anxiety from above looks much different.

So we know the difference between adaptive and maladaptive anxiety, but what anxiety are people referring to in the symptoms lists, memes, and social media posts? The answer is: that depends. There are a number of different anxiety disorders and, while they may have similarities, they tend to look quite different. I won’t be discussing all of them here, but will focus on the most common.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

When many people say they have anxiety, as a counselor, I first assess for generalized anxiety disorder. As the name suggests, the maladaptive anxiety a person experiences is generalized across many types of situations. The worry can be about your health, the health and safety of your family members and friends, finances, social performance, job performance, school performance, appearance…and so on.

These thoughts may have some relevance in reality (there is always some distant threat to most of the above examples) but the worry is out of proportion to the “threat.” To use a personal example, I frequently feared failing every major exam throughout my seven years of college despite the fact that I consistently maintained straight A’s semester after semester. Some might say that the anxiety drove me to do well. I say the anxiety reduced the time I had to study because I was so distracted by catastrophe, I couldn’t focus for periods at a time. If I was less anxious, I probably could have done just as well with less time spent on studying and completing assignments, leaving more time for self-care. Ultimately, my  worry was well out of proportion to the threat.

As described earlier, this anxiety is difficult to control, so thoughts just keep playing in your head on repeat. This is particularly so when you aren’t occupied with a distracting task. Many people notice it most when trying to go to sleep which results in a sleep disturbance.

Further, relaxing can be difficult overall. Muscle tension and restlessness can get in the way of letting yourself rest and enjoy activities. Tension and restlessness are like that of the fight or flight response and can be distracting.

Lacking sleep and using up large amounts of anxious energy on a variety of worries leads to fatigue. It is an overwhelming feeling of tiredness that makes you more vulnerable to your anxious thoughts, because it’s harder to reason when exhausted. It creates a cycle of anxiety sucking up your energy, disrupting your sleep, and leaving you tired.

When overly tired and distracted by anxious thoughts, you might find yourself more irritable. The irritability can come out as being short with others, giving up easily on challenges, crying at small setbacks, and negative self-talk.

All of the above gets in the way of concentration and focus. Many people—myself included in the past—can feel foggy and notice problems with short-term recall. When you can’t focus, it’s hard to take in information and code it into your brain.

To surmise, generalized anxiety looks like a looping record playing in your head and each time you turn one off another one turns on. It changes how you interact with yourself, others, and your work because of your poor sleep, fatigue, irritability, and concentration problems. It may feel like it’s driving you as you ignore the exhaustion and you press through until one day it’s too hard to ignore.

As you may already know from reading my previous article onmy own anxiety journey, this is not a hopeless disorder. It is very much manageable and treatable. Finding the right providers, supports, and self-care is an important part of healing.

Social Anxiety Disorder

Unlike Generalized Anxiety Disorder, social anxiety disorder is focused on just one worry: social performance. Worry around social performance could occur related to something many people find nerve-wracking such as giving a speech or something commonly done without thinking like walking into a grocery store. Given that humans are social creatures, it’s easy to see how this can majorly impact daily function.

With social anxiety, you might feel like everyone is judging each move you make negatively, fear being humiliated in front of everyone, have difficulty getting to know new people or interacting with friends, and criticize every move you make in public the way you assume others are criticizing you. This often gets worse leading up to an event with social expectations like a school or work presentation or Halloween party.

Often, this worry leading up can create nausea, trembling, and sweating that will continue the cycle of the anxiety. It may even lead to proving you “right” that you feel humiliated due to the impact of the disorder. The fear, then, continues forward in life and becomes intense enough to impede the activities and interactions you want to be a part of if not for the anxiety.

This type of anxiety can feel lonely because it may result in isolation. Social anxiety is not exclusive to this disorder but it is the major focus of this one. Just as above, this is a treatable disorder with the right care.

Panic Disorder

Many other anxiety disorders can include panic attacks but in panic disorder the panic attack is the focus. Panic attacks can feel like sweating, shaking, nausea, dizziness, feeling outside yourself, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, chest pain, fear of dying, fear of losing control, hotness or coldness, and numbness. On the outside, they may look like distress or sickness, or nothing at all, even.

When you have panic disorder you experience panic attacks. At some point, they become so scary you become anxious about having them. You begin to be so anxious about having them, you avoid places and situations you think might invoke one.

Any stressful situation might invoke a panic attack such as going to the doctor, to work, or to a family gathering. Once that happens, you become fearful it will happen again and start avoiding these situations. The avoidance increases because once you start to think the event a panic attack comes on proving you shouldn’t go.

This is a highly physical disorder because panic attacks ARE almost entirely physical reactions. Getting the physical reaction under control helps with the treatment of this disorder. Again, it takes the proper support team to address panic disorder.

If there are only three things you take away from this post let it be these; 1) anxiety is not all the same; 2) it is a physical experience with implications in functioning; and 3) it can be overcome. I hope this has helped you better understand the experience of anxiety and how it can vary widely. Let me know if you want to see more articles like this one in the comments below.

Be sure to follow me on Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram to stay up to date on my content and see pretty pictures!

Share to Facebook

Share to Twitter

Source Cited

American Psychiatric Association, DSM-5 Task Force. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5™ (5th ed.). Arlington, VA, US: American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc.

Cosplay the Anxiety Away

It’s October, my favorite time of the year. It’s the time of year my brand of weird gets to shine. So let’s talk about dressing up in costume.

Pieces of my cosplay accessory being built

The first costume I remember wearing was Snow White, for Halloween. My mom made it by hand with textured fabrics and sequins. My love of costumes never seemed to dwindle. I wore a lot of costumes from then on, evolving from just Halloween costumes to characters—such as a dead club kid dressed as a fairy.

The first actual cosplay I took on was Kitana from Mortal Kombat® during my first convention. I mimicked poses from the original game for pictures and nodded at others in costumes from my game universe. It felt so comfortable.

The difference between wearing a costume and taking part in cosplay is that in cosplay you are not just dressed as the character, but acting as the character. It’s a performance in a lot of ways. You may develop a voice, movements, and poses that emulate your character.

For someone with chronic anxiety, like me, attention was uncomfortable and something to be avoided. But under the mask—literally and metaphorically—of my character, attention was tolerable, good, even. There was no pressure in social interactions because I knew what the fellow con-goers wanted from me—mostly just a picture and to pay a compliment. I found it easy to reach out with the same praise to other cosplayers.

Twelve years later, I believe this is only the tip of the iceberg of what cosplay has done for me. The research is minimal on the topic and based on personal stories more than statistics, so there’s no science supporting these views. But I know it’s not just me. I’ve know people in person and read posts online from those who have gone through some type of experiential “therapy” by taking part in cosplay.

What do I think cosplay can do for you?

Cosplay improves social interaction: If you’ve read my blog, you know I like to highlight social interaction as a major part of mental well-being given that so many mental illness lead to isolation. Whether you’re sharing ideas and photos with a social media cosplay community, going to a Halloween party or local event, working on accessories with friends, or attending a convention welcoming costumes, this is a hobby that will lead to interaction.

As I mentioned earlier, talking to others is easier at conventions and other events where people are coming in costume. The start of a conversation is as easy as commenting on their look. For those who don’t know how to start the conversation, chances are someone will want to talk about your costume. If you cosplay, you’ll be there as a character and act as the character (appropriately) which may take the pressure off of worrying about what others will think of you since you’re being someone or something else.

Is it perfect? No, you’ll probably want to be able to feel comfortable as yourself and be socially interactive in other settings. I think of this as a really fun stepping stone, a place where it can feel a little bit safer to try out social skills.

Cosplay engages the mind: As I’ve mentioned before, creativity is good for the mind and hobbies tend to also be our coping and self-care skills. Many cosplayers make their own costumes and accessories which requires building skills, practicing, and trying new techniques. Regular con-goers tend to have a cosplay project going at all times.

Even if you don’t want to make everything from scratch, there’s still going to be a level of creativity you may not have expected. You can find creativity in developing the right make-up style, making alterations to existing clothes and shoes, styling a wig, or developing the character’s posture and poses. Regardless of how you approach this, you will be engaging your mind and keeping yourself focused on something enjoyable.

Cosplay gives you something to look forward to: Whether it’s the next convention, taking and editing photos, or seeing the look you developed come together, there’s always something to look forward to! When you have something to anticipate, it can often help you get through the tough day at work or push through the fatigue that drags you down. We should all have something to look forward to and cosplay can be a consistent provider of anticipation due to the near-infinite possibilities for costumes and regular scheduling of conventions all over. And, of course, every year there’s Halloween! *MY FAVORITE!*

Cosplay improves problem-solving: When you’re developing your costume, it’s usually not smooth sailing. You’ll make mistakes, try multiple ways to address a need, and learn new information in order to develop the look you want. What you’ll get out of it is an ability to assess the issue, take on new perspective, and adapt to the situation. Developing your cosplay can often help you practice patience and flexibility. Additionally, if you have a wardrobe malfunction, you’ll learn quickly what you need to carry with you to manage those and/or how to ask for help from others.

Personally, I feel more outgoing, comfortable with attention, and open to new experiences since testing the waters with cosplay. Now, I continue to do it for the challenge and excitement of crafting and developing the character. This year I’m so excited to be trying out a new challenge and hope to be able to pull it off. Can you guess what it is by the picture?

If you’re looking for a new way to support your mental wellness, help address your social worries, or find daily motivation cosplay might work for you!

Share to Facebook
Share to Twitter

Mental Illness Does Not Cause Mass Violence. Period.

I’d hoped it would be another blip on the radar: the blaming of mass shootings and violence on mental illness. This has been the claim so many times, and so many times it has been disproved by countless studies and experts. Although the idea will crop up here and there, it typically gets quickly quashed. This time it’s gone on for weeks, making headlines (touted by powerful persons), and I felt the need to address it.

Mental illness does not cause mass violence.

I could rant about the above in pages upon pages of text. I could find countless research articles and research summaries proving that statement. I could, but I’m not.

I’m choosing not to do this because there shouldn’t need to be any explanation. People with mental illness, people like me and the people I serve, are not going to be the scapegoat. I am glad there are others calling out powerful people for using us this way. However, I am tired of the fact that anyone has to continually be reminded that mental illness does not equal violence.

I want it to stand as a fact, alone, that having a mental illness is not the common thread tying together mass shootings. So I offer you no research, no statistics, no argument. You and I know the truth so I will preach it as fact.

Yes, people can do terrible things and some of those people might have a mental illness, but they also might not.

People with mental illnesses are your neighbors, your kids, your co-workers, your teachers, and, yes, your therapists, too. You know them living peacefully beside you, offering you support at work and school, and guiding you through your own difficulties with care and compassion. They are productive members of society managing their mental illness the same way another person might any physical illness.

Speaking of physical illnesses (like diabetes and multiple sclerosis)—what do you think the reaction would be to a world leader blaming mass violence on one of these illnesses? How about blaming mass violence on all the physical illnesses?

That’s what happening when someone says that mental illness causes mass violence. They are saying that all of the mental illnesses are causing mass violence. This is directed towards every person diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress, any substance use disorder, anorexia nervosa, somatoform disorder….these are only a fraction of the mental illnesses diagnosable by standards used in the United States.

How stupid it sounds to consider this asinine claim. How harmful it is that all of these people, all of us, get stigmatized once again. How long does it take before we don’t allow the idea to be entertained?

Stand up and preach our truth that mental illness does not cause mass violence.

Share To Facebook

Share To Twitter

Anxiety Locked Me Into Battle

I’m Winning the War

I was in tears again, my breathing quick and my face contorted, ruminating on the wasted time and money put out for a career I couldn’t handle. The focus remained on all I’d given up just to be a frantic mess every Sunday, like clockwork. There was no breaking out of it once I got there. The physical sensation along with the damning thoughts closed in on me, locking me in tight.

I would fall asleep that night quickly, exhausted from my evening meltdown—it felt like I could have well melted from the fire that burned inside, threatening to consume me. Sleep would be short-lived because this night, like every night before the work week began, I would wake in a panic to irrational thoughts. My tired mind had no chance of fighting. Once fully awake, I wrestled the thoughts and put them to rest, but by then I knew it would be up and down for the remainder of my five resting hours.

Another week for me to start off groggy and in pain from apparent TMJ. I wouldn’t get a full night’s rest until Thursday and the cycle would repeat. That was my story from fall of last year to spring of this one.

A Lifetime of Fighting Anxiety Monsters

Before that tale was a similar one in which I’d have nightmares about not finishing all that was needed for the wedding. In the evenings I’d be angry with my significant other that we were planning a wedding at all because it was too much pressure. All the while, I refused to share the burden (needing control) with anyone until the very end. Once I did, my bridesmaids, husband and mom were happy to help.

I can lump every period of my life into a saga based around the biggest contributor to anxiety: the wrath of God; fear of losing my loved ones; being alone forever; school; job; school; health; grad school; licensing; getting a job…all the way up to the wedding and back to the job. During each one I’d think, “once I get past this one thing, I’ll feel better. Things will be better.”

It never got better. There was always something, even when there shouldn’t have been. The next big bad I’d quest to slay.

How Would Life Be Different Without Anxiety Battles?

Hindsight is 20/20, and I know now that I’ve got a master’s degree in counseling that I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life. In grade school, my mom would complain at every doctor visit that I had terrible stomach pains multiple times a week. It’s hard not to feel bitter that they lazily recommended me eating more fruits and vegetables (which I already at enough of). Though I shouldn’t look back, I do and wonder how different my life would have been if they’d seen my anxiety for what it was and I was treated early.

I spent so many years of my life trapped in battle with anxiety I had no clue existed but what if I didn’t? Would I have made friends easier if I wasn’t so busy second-guessing myself? What would I have done with all the energy from nights not spent waking to panic attacks, sitting up to catch my breath and calm my heart multiple times a night? Would I have gotten past impostor syndrome in time to decide I could succeed in a “hard” graduate program, rather than talking myself away from it? (Side note: my program was just as hard as any doctoral program).

 The Final Battle with Anxiety

Those answers are lost to fate and there’s no changing it. My only power is in shaping the here and now so that I never let anxiety trap me again. I can proudly say now, after a fierce battle, that I am not staring down a big bad anymore.

That’s not to say the difficulties of life haven’t been threatening my newfound freedom. Quite the opposite. My work is stressful—but only because it’s important—my mom just had surgery—and it was successful—and my best friend got married and I was the matron of honor—it was beautiful. So, yes, I still have reasons to be anxious and could have turned any of these into my current catastrophe, but that didn’t happen.

How did I go from a lifetime of fighting unending battles to declaring peace inside myself? I started by recognizing the mental illness for what it was. It came shortly before I graduated. Prior to that, I didn’t see a pattern, I didn’t want to see the signs and symptoms, and I just assumed I was an irritable and reactive person. Once I did come to understand what I was dealing with, it would still be a lengthy road to wellness.

I knew what I needed to do; go see a counselor. That’s hard when you plan to get a job as a counselor in a small, rural area with limited job options. A conflict of interest develops if you want to work the same place your counselor is. I ended up putting this off in the interest of employment.

Trying to work on myself on my own, I turned to the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques I’d learned in school. It helped responding to my negative and irrational thoughts. The physical experience of anxiety was still there so I returned to my exercise routine which helped some. I still struggled.

They say the third time’s a charm and that was true when I saw my third endocrinologist who finally diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), a hormonal disorder that can impact mood and overall function. I advocated for my health during this time and took a chance on treatment which did help. I wasn’t over yet; I still had work to do.

Already taking a couple of new medications for PCOS, I was hesitant to go to a psychiatrist and add another. It was tough to consider, but I couldn’t manage the physical symptoms of anxiety anymore—the chest pain, the headaches, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, the distractedness, and the emotional reactivity. It didn’t take a high dose to treat my symptoms and in just over a year I’m reducing the dose successfully.

There was one more action left to take. It was the weekly tears and aching regret regarding my work, something I was passionate about and worked so hard for, that woke me up to what I finally needed to do. It was time to seek my own therapy. I’ve had relatively few sessions and am about to complete treatment. This step took me full circle and now I feel confident in my work and get to actually enjoy what I do. Along with that, I have full management of my symptoms.

During the therapeutic process, I also had to make behavioral changes to impact my mood. I joined a gym with my husband and our friends. I believe this has been a major part of my improvement due to the increased social interaction and physical activity. I also broke down the barrier that was keeping me from doing what I’ve wanted to for so long; writing. I’ve slowly moved into the world of writing that I’d been putting off for 10 years. It was a relief to know I could be a counselor and a writer and not have to choose.

Freedom from Anxiety

Finally, I was able to bring together all that I needed to win the final battle against lifelong anxiety. I had to be aware of what was going on, manage my physical health, manage the physical symptoms of anxiety, and introduce positive mental strategies to make these steps successful. Now that I’ve made it, I refuse to go back. There will never be another big bad. I’ve won this war.

Share To Facebook

Share To Twitter

What’s Holding People Back From Exercising?

A look at the messages being sent.

I offer many apologies for missing a posting last week. My mom went through surgery that resulted in a four night hospital stay. She came home Friday, my usual posting day and things have only started to slow down a week later.

 With her gone to get better, the morning and evening care taking activities for her two dogs fell to me. I was able to wake at the usual hour and go to bed at the same time. During the day I worked as usual, with the exception of the surgery day which saw me twitching about the waiting room for seven hours I’d expected to be no more than four. The evenings consisted of taking care of the unruly canines, making dinner, and visiting my mom.

On the surface it’s all pretty standard. Mild, minimally limiting changes which were temporary in nature. And I had to keep telling myself that as the week progressed and I grew more tired, moody, irritable, and fatigued.

As someone who lives with and manages anxiety—I do not allow myself to “suffer” from it—those symptoms are well-known adversaries, but this was more than that. I had a feeling I knew what it was by Wednesday when I found myself halfway to tears at each minor inconvenience. I needed to work out. Not wanted, needed.

Geez, I’d only missed two of my usual days. Couldn’t I keep it together for just one off week? Well, no. Not only was I not going to the gym, I was also more sedentary due the extra time spent sitting at the hospital. I’d let go of one of my main coping skills and it acted quickly.

I was already tired out by the stress of extra duties and general worry—surgeries are scary, recovery is risky. Inactivity increased the effects tenfold. My energy zapped, concentration reduced, and productivity plummeted.

I’m not writing all of this to complain. It was a necessary but temporary change that I didn’t mind making. Plus, I’ve gotten back into the swing of it all with some determination. I’m writing this anecdote because it hit me so intensely how important exercise is for my mental health and I know it’s not just me!

In theory, the moral of my story is something like, “exercise is good for your mental health, do it!” If it  were as easy as just getting out there and doing it then gyms would stay packed all year long, parks would be filled with runners, and it wouldn’t be one of the top New Year’s resolutions time and again. While I’ve experienced firsthand that exercise is good and should be done regularly, that’s not the moral of this story nor is it the ending.

Why? Because that message is already out there. Do a search of “exercise and mental health” and you’re bound to find a wealth of knowledge telling you the two are connected. The experts tend to agree about the benefits of exercise;

It lifts mood via feel-good chemicals in the brain. Dr. Gingell wrote in an article for Psychology Today that exercise stimulates endorphins and enkephalins. If you’re not yet familiar with these, they’re the natural compounds your brain produces that help manage pain and stress. In other words, they help you cope when life gets tough.

Exercise feeds the brain. In the same article, Dr. Gingell asserts that it also improves blood flow to the brain delivering oxygen allowing for increased development. Basically, it’s just one more muscle you’re working out and building.

It leads to reduction in loneliness. Whether you go to the gym or enlist a workout buddy, this can be a great way to reduce loneliness and isolation that is commonly associated with depression. This provides a structured way to increase contact with others. See the article.

And so much more…I don’t want to make this whole article about the benefits of exercise for mental health because, as I said, you can look that up easily and find a plethora of information. This scholarly article simply lists out many of the benefits. It touches on everything from improved sleep, to stress relief, to increased stamina and beyond.

Now, to the real focus of this article; the fact that, despite all the evidence supporting the use of exercise to manage mental health, there is still a great deal of resistance to it. I don’t know how much, it’s merely an observation. But I do know what I’ve seen and read.

I often come across memes demanding others not suggest exercise as a way to treat their mental illness symptoms, finding it an affront. If the reduction in numbers at the gym from January to March are any indication, it’s not something people make a long-term priority. The numbers back that up. In the United States it is estimated only about 23% of adults are getting the recommended amount of physical activity per week based on data from 2010 to 2015 reviewed by the Centers for Disease Control researchers.

It makes sense, that’s the first thing that went for me when last week got tough. It was the first thing to go when I was planning my wedding. It seems like I’m not alone in this experience.Yet, exercise literally helps you manage stress. Shouldn’t that be the first thing we run to when stressed? With all the information and public initiatives out there as well as the movement in mental health services to incorporate total wellness into treatment, you’d think exercise would be the front line behavior change.

So why isn’t it?

I researched and the answers are wide and varied.

Genetics is working against you. In a review of the findings of 2017 study, it is explained that some people have a genetic predisposition to not benefit much from typical exercise. With higher levels of a naturally produced protein, it was found in mice and later in women that there was a reduced benefit to exercise.

It seems this was based on aerobic exercise and it’s unclear if it would apply to low-impact, non-cardio activities such as yoga. Still, the findings certainly demonstrates how people with this resistance to exercise benefits may not look upon working out as a worthwhile option for mental wellness.

You have good reasons. There is a list of reasons not to exercise and they’re typically valid. Ten of them are examined in this writing but the author doesn’t just state them, she also gives suggestions on how to overcome them. Not motivated? Set up a reward system. Too overwhelming? Start small. These two are the first ones that came to my mind when considering this dilemma and I still agree this could be a big part of what people deal with.

You don’t know what the expectation should be. I know for people living with the mental health conditions that see benefits from exercise, such as anxiety and depression, it is hard to be let down by the prospects that gave you hope. You might have the wrong idea of how quickly exercise can act. And it’s not your fault because the information is minimal and contradictory. It’s been said it works as fast as five minutes after exercise is completed all the way to four weeks out following consistent 45 minute sessions, 3 times weekly. The true answer probably lies somewhere in each individual’s experience.

The message is worded wrong. This is my final thought and the one I landed on as I considered this topic. What if people who are in the throes of certain mental illnesses can’t hear the positive aspects of exercise because the brain is too focused on negativity? Depression and anxiety tend to be particularly negativity-focused.

I got to thinking back to the most basic concepts of therapy and the first step jumped out at me. Meet people where they are. If a person is in a negative mind-set, then focus the message on the negative…and taking it away.

Talking about how much working out makes a person feel more energetic probably sounds exhausting to someone who is dealing with hypersomnia and sleeping more than normal. What about forming the message to say that exercise makes exhaustion less terrible. Not better, because “better” might be too far from view at this point. The same can go for saying it raises endorphins and makes you happier. Instead, try stating that it can lift the heavy cloud up a bit. Just a general statement of what will be reduced rather than what will be gained. It’s hard to put much stock in gains when negative thoughts creep in but reduction is a more tangible concept.

I don’t know if I’m on the right track but I’m certain it’s time to change tactics. If some 77% of people in the USA are not getting enough physical activity despite all the research, public messages, and school policies, something has to give. The moral of the story is that the message needs to change and adapt to what we know about people and their needs to make it effective.

Works Cited

Blackwell, Debra L., and Tainya, Clarke C.. “State Variation in Meeting the 2008 Federal Guidelines for Both Aerobic and Muscle-Strengthening Activities Through Leisure-Time Physical Activity Among Adults Aged 18–64: United States, 2010–2015.” National Health Statistics Reports, no. 112, 28 June 2018, pp. 1–21., www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr112.pdf.

“Exercise and Mental Health.” Healthdirect, www.healthdirect.gov.au/exercise-and-mental-health.

Gingell, Sarah. “How Your Mental Health Reaps the Benefits of Exercise.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 22 Mar. 2018, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-works-and-why/201803/how-your-mental-health-reaps-the-benefits-exercise.

Jaines, Kira. “Ten Reasons People Do Not Exercise.” LIVESTRONG.COM, Leaf Group, www.livestrong.com/article/370670-ten-reasons-people-do-not-exercise/.

Misu, Hirofumi, et al. “Deficiency of the Hepatokine Selenoprotein P Increases Responsiveness to Exercise in Mice through Upregulation of Reactive Oxygen Species and AMP-Activated Protein Kinase in Muscle.” Nature Medicine, vol. 23, no. 4, 27 Feb. 2017, pp. 508–516., doi:10.1038/nm.4295.

Weir, Kirsten. “The Exercise Effect.” PsycEXTRA Dataset, vol. 42, no. 11, Dec. 2011, p. 48., doi:10.1037/e725332011-011.

Whiteman, Honor. “Why Do Some People Fail to Respond to Exercise?” Medical News Today, MediLexicon International, 1 Apr. 2017, www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/316693.php.

Share To Facebook

Share To Twitter